Are You More Self-Absorbed Than You Thought? | Self-Awareness, Self-Sabotage, and Personal Growth Quiz
When most of us hear “self-absorbed,” we immediately think of that person. You know—the one who posts five selfies a day with captions like “felt cute, might delete later” (spoiler: they never delete). Or the friend who can turn any story back to themselves within 0.2 seconds. That’s self-absorption, right? Clear, obvious, and definitely not you. Except… what if it is you, just wearing a different outfit?
When I first read Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I wasn’t expecting to be personally attacked. But there it was in black and white: vanity, self-absorption, and even little shades of narcissism don’t always show up as arrogance or constant bragging. Sometimes they show up in the way we think about ourselves, the stories we tell, and the habits we fall into. And once I realized that, I had one of those record-scratch, “wait… am I the drama?” moments.
At first, I resisted the idea. Me? A social worker dedicating her life to helping others? Self-absorbed? No way. But then I had one of those uncomfortable “oh crap” realizations: playing the victim by convincing myself that my problems were too unique for anyone else to understand wasn’t humility. It was vanity. Ouch. Big slap in the face. Over time, I had to admit that the same self-awareness that makes me good at understanding people also has a shadow side. And that shadow can twist into habits that are… well, pretty self-absorbed.
The Shadow Side of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is usually a gift. It helps us reflect, grow, and connect with others. But like any strength, it has a shadow side. When I got too wrapped up in my feelings, my problems, my narrative, I started sabotaging myself by…
Telling myself I was “too different” for people to understand me.
Convincing myself no one wanted to be my friend.
Ruining opportunities—jobs, friendships, connections—because I was more focused on how I imagined people were judging me than on what was actually happening.
Sitting through conversations trying to look like a “good listener,” while secretly rehearsing how I looked… and remembering absolutely nothing the other person said.
Talk about missing the point.
Vanity Doesn’t Always Look Like You Think
Self-absorption goes way beyond selfies, flexing in the mirror, or bragging about your new car. It can also look like:
Constantly apologizing, not out of kindness, but because you’re managing how you’re perceived.
Replaying conversations in your head for hours, nitpicking every word you said.
Over-explaining everything to make sure people “get you,” instead of letting connection happen naturally.
Obsessing over how people see you, to the point that you miss actual connection.
Centering yourself in other people’s stories (“oh, that reminds me of the time I…”).
It’s sneaky. It disguises itself as overthinking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or thoughts like, “I’m just built different.”
How to Tell If You’re Stuck in the Self-Absorption Loop
Let’s make this fun. Instead of me lecturing you (and myself, let’s be honest), here’s a quick quiz.
Be honest with yourself, no one’s grading this but you.
Answer yes or no to the following:
Do you replay conversations in your head for hours, cringing at what you said?
Do you often craft your responses in your head instead of truly listening?
Do you take things personally—even when it clearly wasn’t about you?
Do you avoid taking risks because you’re worried about how you’ll be perceived?
Do you often think no one understands what you’re going through?
Do you make everything into a “me” story—like turning someone else’s struggle into a reminder of your own?
Do you feel lonely, but secretly believe you’re too different for anyone to truly get you?
Do you find yourself constantly comparing your life, appearance, or success to others?
Do you sometimes care more about how you appear in a role (friend, employee, partner) than about actually being present in it?
Do you check your reflection in Zoom meetings just a little more than you’d like to admit?
Do you feel defensive when someone offers you feedback, even if it’s constructive?
Do you feel personally attacked when someone else shares a struggle, because it makes you reflect on your own?
Do you find yourself constantly saying “sorry” as a reflex?
Do you believe your problems are “harder” than most people’s?
Do you find yourself isolating, but then resenting others for not reaching out?
Do you stress about how you come across in texts, rereading them before you hit send?
Do you sometimes think about how you’re being perceived while you’re doing something, instead of just doing it?
Do you feel the need to justify your thoughts and feelings to others?
Do you secretly worry people don’t like you, even when they’ve given you no reason to think that?
Do you ever catch yourself performing “good listening” (nodding, smiling, uh-huh-ing) while completely blanking on what’s being said?
Your results:
If you said yes to fewer than 5: Congrats, you’re probably not running on Self-Aware Mode 24/7—but keep an eye on it.
If you said yes to 5–10: You’ve got some tendencies, and they may be holding you back in ways you don’t even notice.
If you said yes to 11 or more: Welcome to the club, self-awareness has turned into self-absorption. The good news? Awareness is the first step to shifting out of it, and clearly that’s something you’ve got to work with already!
Final Thoughts
The moral of the story? Self-awareness is powerful, but it’s not flawless. When left unchecked, it can slide into self-absorption, where every experience becomes a mirror reflecting back to you—your worries, your judgments, your performance. And here’s the kicker: you might not even realize you’re doing it, because it doesn’t look like vanity in the traditional sense. It looks like overthinking. It looks like isolation. It looks like protecting yourself so much that you forget to actually connect.
The good news is, recognizing this pattern doesn’t mean you’re doomed to live in your own little bubble forever. It just means you’ve got a chance to step out of your head and back into the real world where relationships, opportunities, and genuine connection live. And honestly? That’s way more interesting than starring in the one-woman show constantly playing in your brain.
If you’re ready to stop living in your head and start showing up fully in your life, I’d love to walk alongside you. At Soul Ascension Coaching, I help people reconnect with themselves, break free from cycles of self-sabotage, and create sustainable habits that feel aligned with who they are becoming.
Book your free consultation with me by clicking HERE and filling out the information on my contact page + follow @lifecoachirelynn on Instagram + TikTok for more tips, real talk, and reminders that you are not alone in this work.
